Hey, did you know Nic Cage probably ruined my life? Well he did.

I consistently have fights with a close friend of mine about whether Nic Cage sucks completely or not. She once told me her favorite movie was “Adaptation”, and then in the same sentence said Nicolas Cage was the worst actor ever, and that she hated him. How can this be? How can one have some of their favorite movies star Nic Cage but totally loathe him? I was never that clear on how much Nic Cage actually sucked, until I finally lined up the facts…

1. Knowing (2009) Sucks
2. Bangkok Dangerous (2008) Sucks
3. National Treasure: Book of Secrets (2007) Sucks A LOT
4. Next (2007) (What the shit is this? Of course it sucks)
5. Grindhouse (2007) Great
6. Ghost Rider (2007) Sucks real bad
7. The Wicker Man (2006) Horrible
8. World Trade Center (2006) totally abysmal and inappropriate
9. The Ant Bully (2006) (voice) probably sucks
10. The Weather Man (2005) God awful
11. Lord of War (2005) Don’t know what this is, but clearly sucks
12. National Treasure (2004) Eye bleedingly bad
13. Matchstick Men (2003) can’t believe someone made this film
14. Adaptation. (2002) Great (and yet stars not just one Nick Cage, but 2! How can this be any good!?)
15. Sonny (2002) ?
16. Windtalkers (2002) No thanks
17. Christmas Carol: The Movie (2001) (voice) Lame
18. Captain Corelli’s Mandolin (2001) Really?
19. The Family Man (2000) Sorry buddy, sucks, I know you tried
20. Gone in Sixty Seconds (2000) ?
21. Bringing Out the Dead (1999) Great
22. 8MM (1999) Okay…
23. Snake Eyes (1998) Entertaining?
24. City of Angels (1998) Oh HELL no.
25. Face/Off (1997) This movie makes no sense, so clearly sucks
26. Con Air (1997) No can do
27. The Rock (1996) Nope
28. Leaving Las Vegas (1995) Great
29. Kiss of Death (1995/I) Noway
30. Trapped in Paradise (1994) Please no
31. It Could Happen to You (1994) Classic
32. Guarding Tess (1994) Wonderful
33. Deadfall (1993) Yikes
34. Amos & Andrew (1993) nuh-uh
35. Honeymoon in Vegas (1992) Ugh
36. Red Rock West (1992) Nope
37. Zandalee (1991) Awful
38. Wild at Heart (1990) Amazing
39. Fire Birds (1990) Sorry
40. Tempo di uccidere (1989) Fine I’ll give it to you
41. Vampire’s Kiss (1988) No
42. Never on Tuesday (1988) ha
43. Moonstruck (1987) Awesome
44. Raising Arizona (1987) Awesome
45. Peggy Sue Got Married (1986) Awesome
46. The Boy in Blue (1986) Horrible
47. Birdy (1984) ?
48. The Cotton Club (1984) okay
49. Racing with the Moon (1984) Solid work
50. Rumble Fish (1983) Great
51. Valley Girl (1983) Great
52. Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982) A Classic great!

There you have it folks, that’s 12 out of 52 that are watchable. I conclude that he sucks once and for all. You should know that there are about 5 more stinkers in the queue up at IMDB. Chances are, Nic Cage will continue sucking for the rest of his life.

One time I was on this date, with this guy who was the son of a pro baseball player, and we went out to dinner, then to a bar, and things were going well, and then bam, the late show came on with Dave Letterman and there was Nic Cage, looking like shit, talking like a moron, and it went something like this…

Man/Boy: So, what are your interests? I like seeing live music.

Suz: OH MY GOD, YOU CAN SEE THE LINES WHERE THEY PULLED HIS FACE BACK OVER HIS SKULL.

Man/Boy: …uh…Right, so, yeah, I paint, and I’m having a show soon.

Suz: THE MAN HAS NO HAIR, WHY DOES HE HAVE THAT WHISPY PATHETIC PUFF OF SMOKE FOR HAIR!? WHO DOES HE THINK HE’S FOOLIN’?

Man/Boy: I actually think Nic Cage isn’t so bad…I like some stuff he’s done. I’m just going to slip out this back door here…Hope you have a good night…

Suz: I want to drink until I can’t remember if Nic Cage exists! I HATE him. (Man/Boy exits without Suz realizing, she downs a shot.)

FIN.

Do you see right there, how he ruined my life? I could have been bathing in diamonds by now with a descendant of baseball royalty. Also, do you see how sly these Nic Cage fans are? they just sneak out of rooms, and slink down the street, and turn the corner before you can run after them and tell them you’re pregnant, and trap them into marriage.

I know you’re probably saying “Actually, Suzanne, you ruined your OWN life.” But what this post pre-supposes is: “No I didn’t, Nic Cage did.”